Welcome to my blog!

Here we go, I am finally going to do this!

Before we start, a little bit about me. I am a 30 year old English gay guy who is at a crossroads in my life and I want to record this moment onwards to make sure I stay on the right path.

I have had a difficult life. Growing up I always felt isolated. I was reading my nursery school report the other day and even at the age of five I would always play on my own and struggled to make friends. This continued throughout throughout my school years. With the added humiliation of daily bullying, my self identity was at an all time low. I could not wait to leave my home small town and head off to university and start being me. The song 'Small Town Boy' literately described my school days.

Did I become happy and comfortable with myself once I had got to university? Not really. Throughout my 20s, I lived a predominately hedonistic lifestyle where I thought I was living for the moment in the crazy single gay life in London. Except I knew I had drinking issues, I was lonely and putting myself in risky situations. I was following all stereotypes: excessive clubbing, casual sex and body fascism.

Toward the end of my 20s, I decided to see someone about my issues and was allocated a mentor through a gay men's sexual health charity, who is now one of my best friends. I made progress and had more control over my life but it was not enough.

I was in a rut in London and I did not know how to change it. I took up a dream job opportunity working within LGBT equality issues on a six month contract. However, this involved moving cities and leaving my depleted friendship circle and social life to spend six months of my life in my ideal job and nothing else. I had the best and worse time of my life. The job was amazing but I was still lonely and started to drink more again. I eventually discovered the wonderful group Outdoor Lads - a gay men's outdoor group, predominately hiking, hostelling and other outdoor activities.

I am now unemployed living with my mum job hunting. The last six months has been life changing and worth a period of unemployment. I know I want to move back to London as I am ready for it now. I feel I have more control over my life and do not need to do the 'scene' out of boredom. I just hop I can find a job!

This made me realise I do not need to be a cliché but be who I want to be. The irony for me was after being desperate to leave my 'rural' town to the lights of the big city in order to discover  myself and be happy. It has taken me a decade to realise how to do that and not continue to play the victim in order to justify a patten of self destruction.

So why I am doing it?

Well, to be honest, this is not my first blog. I have tried a couple of times to keep a blog but like most things in my life, I take an all or nothing approach and therefore get bored. I have allocated a fixed slot every week to keep it in proportion in my life in order to maintain the longevity of this blog.

Previously, I have written on one particular subject, e.g. gay scene or film reviews. I do not want to be too prescriptive but will cover anything. It maybe how I am feeling about being gay, what films I have watched that week or current affairs.

In particular, I want to use this as a form of therapy. Putting things into words and into perspective is an easy way to make sure I make progress and keep honest with myself. I am less concerned about the number of viewers and more of it helping me to stay on track. Also, if I can help one young LGBT person feel better about themselves and make the right life choices, this can only be a positive thing.

I am adopting a fake identity as I want to be honest with myself and not censor what I am saying in case someone I know is reading this. It will take me a while to find my 'voice' so please do give me some time and not every blog post will be deep and emotional!

I hope you will follow my journey to making better life choices!