My week in film - 22 April

This week's films continues to be foreign dominated as I try to educate myself in the non-English language genres.

Film of the Week

Battle Royale - *****
(2000, Japan, Koushun Takami)

As a European film fanatic who adores realism and 'grittiness', the thought of a Japanese film with plenty of gruesome violence did not thrill me. Maybe I am too eurocentric? This film centres around a society where there is an ongoing terror campaign between adults and young people. As a result, the government introduce an Act to make one class every year to take part in the Battle Royale, where each student is given a weapon and the winner is the one still alive after three days. It is unbelievably engaging despite its gruesome nature. It creates that moral dillema of whether you would kill if put in the same situation knowing that if you did not, you would die. I wrestled with my moral conscious and concluded at this point in my life, I could not do it. However, when I was their age, I potentially could have with the amount of hate I had for some of my peers if I had to kill (of course I would never choose to kill). A remarkable film and, in situations like this when I try to educate myself in film, it is all worthwhile because there was no way I would have ever watched such a film otherwise. It is disappointing that a lot of people who like their blockbusters will never see this because of subtitles when this is a perfect example of action films done well. A must see.

Other Films

Cinema Paradiso (Feature Version) - ****
(1989, Italy, Giuseppe Tornatore)
Another cinema history lesson. A delightful tale of a cheeky young Italian boy who becomes obsessed with the local cinema in the post WWII Italian society. We see his passion, as well the charming relationship with the projectionist, develop as he later becomes a renowned film maker. This Oscar winning film has the same charm as Life is Beautiful and projects an air of innocents. Its influence can be seen in other mediums, such as Dawson's Creek. It slightly slows down towards the end, but it can be forgiven because the journey is so beautiful. I fully understand why this is a classic.

Prozac Nation - ****
(2001, USA, Eric Skjolldbjaerg)

See An Ode to Prozac Nation

Skoonheid/Beauty - ***
(2011, South Africa, Oliver Hermanus)
South Africa's nomination for the 2012 Foreign Language Oscar tells the story of a repressed, middle aged, middle class man who becomes obsessed with the beautiful Charlie Keegan, and partakes in group sex with other married men. This is despite being overtly homophobic and racist. His obsession results in disturbing results and shows what can happen when individuals are not allowed to express and act on their desires. Oliver Hermanus portrays the closeted central character extremely well and the conflict between the man he thinks society expects him to be and his internal desires was superb. Where this film falls down is it tries too hard to be 'Art House' through extensive shots, but ultimately fails. Worth a viewing but not one that I will visit again.

Beginners - **
(2010, USA, Mike Mills)

A film with a lot of potential. A story told of a dying elderly man who came out in later life and his son's (Ewan McGregor) disastrous love life. The film starts with the father (Christopher Plummer) on his death bed  and the film switches back and forth like there is no tomorrow. I do not mind films that do this, but it just became too hard to follow. What was interesting was the story of the father establishing his sexuality. The development of his relationship and his new found circle of gay friends was interesting and i wish the film developed this much more making him the centre of the film. Instead we had Ewan playing a dysfunctional man in his 40s who cannot maintain a relationship and the father is a side plot. Disappointing.

An Ode to Prozac Nation

'One day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human experience. One morning you wake up afraid that you are going to live'. 

Elizabeth Wurtzel; Prozac Nation

I have never been formally diagnosed with depression. But I know I have it. I have lived under that black cloud that Wurtzel refers to, knowing it is not just feeling sad every now and then, but a constant state. Some days I cannot to basic human functions, such as cleaning. The years of alcohol abuse, better known as my twenties, resembles the party/drug/alcohol dependency that Wurtzel describes. These feelings never fully goes away. You just learn to control them better.

Have I seeked help like Wurtzel did? Yes. I once saw a therapist, which work paid for. I went to two sessions and on the second session, I mentioned my obsessive need to go out in the London gay clubbing capital called Vauxhall. The therapist had no idea the significance of this. That was it. There was no point in seeing someone who did not understand the basics. Straight after, I went off to Soho at 11:00am and got trashed.

It was a few months later, after I had been drinking again and a guy pretended to hug me and then stole my phone, I decided to call an ambulance as I had had enough. I sat in A+E for 8 hours sobering up before I was allowed to see someone. I eventually spoke to a therapist who did not take me seriously. Frustrated again - why did no one understand me?

I decided to get tested for HIV as a way to start sorting myself out as I was concerned that when I got so hammered I often could not remember what I had done. I did this at a gay men's sexual health centre where I was offered a mentor. He was fantastic and set me off on the right path - he understood me.

I have had my ups and downs since then but the black cloud no longer constantly follows me around, just appears every now and then. I can go months without OTTing on alcohol. Every day can be a struggle but I am getting there. I just wish I could stop this but I know it takes time. When I have sorted employment I might see someone (who understands gay men) as I can still lose it, but the days of thinking of ending it has gone.

I haven't picked up Prozac Nation for over a decade. I will have another go at it and maybe write a review with its ongoing significance to my life.

I have recently seen the movie adaptation. It was always going to be difficult to capture the brilliance of the book. Was I disappointed? Yes and no.


I think it would be impossible for any film to capture the full story and emotional experience that Prozac Nation was as a book. Some parts of the film only lightly touched on issues where in the ideal world you need to go into some depth in order to start understanding the emotions involved in depression but this would turn into a five hour epic.

However, this did not stop the bulk of the film was superb. My favourite aspect was the performance In particular two of my favourite actors were in it: Christina Ricci and Michelle Williams.

Christina Ricci, who played Elizabeth or 'Lizzy' was fantastic. She managed to combined the emotional despair of her illness as well as the self deprecating humour that sets the background of the book. Christina is an underrated actress and I think her staring role in The Opposite of Sex demonstrates her ability and this film adds another decent performance to show her versatility. It is a shame that the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are so negative. The majority of them seem to see her play a spoilt, self involved, whiny white rich girl. I don't. There seems to be an undercurrent in any female who writes or acts mental health issues to be self obsessed because they are not poor or from an ethnic minority community. It is almost as if there is something noble about being poor that means people not at the bottom of the class structure can never have serious problems. I find this frustrating because depression can happen to anyone. Such criticism has an underlying sexism to it and a complete lack of understanding of mental health issues. Idiots.

The other fine performance was the wonderful Michelle Williams. I am slightly biased as I have been mesmerised by her since her performance of 'Jen' in Dawson's Creek. She is by far my favourite actress and the best actress of her generation. She does another fine performance as Lizzie's friend, Ruby. Delivering lines like: 'Lizzy, I'm not crying because you are mean. I just cannot imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you'. A superb performance again which was cut short by the length of the film.

A good film adaptation of a great book that had such an impact on my teenage years.

My week in film: 15 April 2013

Being unemployed means that I have had more time to watch films.  I am trying to expand my cinema knowledge which is why classics, especially in foreign language films, have featured so highly.

Film of the Week

The Wizard of Oz - *****
(1939, USA, Victor Fleming and King Vidor)

I have a secret. Despite appearing in countless theatre productions of the Wizard of Oz as a kid, I had never actually seen the film version! I know they will not let me in the gay club if they found out! I am sure you are all aware of the storyline so I want to focus on the gay undertones of the film. Obviously there is the Judy Garland connection and the Lion is as camp as a row of tents, but I think there is a wider relevance and reflection on the current lifestyle of gay men today. The colourful land of Oz reflects a gay world; the lack of courage, brain and heart can nowadays reflect the Vauxhall or Circuit Boys and I could go on forever with the relevance of this film. The special effects are nothing compared to today's attempts but that does not matter. This is a superb musical and I am someone who is not a huge fan of musicals (once again, do not tell anyone that!).

Other Films

Persona - ****
(1966, Sweden, Ingner Bergman)
This is the definition of European Art House Cinema. A 'classic' which revolves around the changing volatile relationship between a nurse and her patient, an actress who has become mute. The film starts with the nurse delivering wonderful monologues to her patient which becomes personal and damaging. As the film develop, we learn that the actress is studying the nurse and is exposed to pretending to be mute. It is a classy heavyweight film that is visually superb even if the story becomes sluggish towards the end.


North Sea Texas - ****
(2011, Belgium, Bavo Defune)

This film is a coming-of-age gay story set in rural Flemish Belgium. It manages to differentiate itself from usual European coming-out stories, such as Presque Rien, as the film focuses more on the relationship with his mother and his boyhood love, Gino. This film was moving and beautiful which depicts well the extent of rural poverty as well as the vile mother. There were touching moments, like when he wears his mother's clothes. The developing sexual relationship with his best friend raises interesting questions about what extent young teens 'experiment' or are they really bisexual but society shapes us to be heterosexual. This film is not as stunning as any Xavier Dolan film, but a credible debut and I will look forward to his next attempt.

21 Jump Street - ****
(2012, USA, Phil Lord and Chris Miller)

After last week's Channing Tatum disaster film, I had little confidence in this week's offering when 21 Jump Street arrived. I had never heard of this film, which shows how isolated and snobbish I am about the Hollywood Blockbuster. I was more than presently surprised. Other than the eye candy Channing offers, this was a funny, if sometimes over the top comedy when two guys who were of different social circles at high school become best friends when training to become police cops. They are asked to go undercover to tap some drug dealers in a school where a mistake causes them to swap social circles. it is over the top in parts but I laughed out loud more than I expected. This film also shows Channing can act and I really hope he trys and do something a bit more indie.

The Idiots - ***
(1998, Denmark, Lars Von Trier)

The Idiots was the second film to achieve the Dogme 95 status - a punkish European method of film making focusing on the realism of the acting, scenery and directing as a back lash to the Hollywood Blockbuster. You can see how the style of this film has influenced a number of Foreign art house cinema as this film's appearance is realist and your focus is solely on the acting and story. And what a story it was.

It tells the story of a group of anti-establishment individuals that go around making different people uncomfortable by pretending to be people with severe learning and mental disabilities. However, as the film develops, their actions get out of hand. At first I was offended by their behaviour but eventually saw what their aim was - to highlight the hypocrisy society has around disabled people. However, at times this film was hard work and intentionally difficult to watch. This is one of those films that make you feel emotions and stays with you for a few days as it is so disturbing at times. Films are art and should make you feel emotions, which this film easily does. However, this film was a little uncomfortable for me to ever watch this again.

Ten Canoes - **
(2006, Australia, Rolf de Heer and Peter Djigirr)

An anthropological film about original aboriginal society which has featured highly within world cinema circles. I feel this is partly due to the lack of aboriginal language films out there. At times, this film gets slightly tedious and the narrator's story telling feels very fragmented. however, the one factor that saves this film is the stunning pictures which benefits from the black and white format.

The Seminarian - **
(2010, USA, Joshua Lim)

A disjointed tale of a gay guy who is writing a thesis on love and God in a fundamentalist Christian College. I am afraid this film had too many flaws for me to enjoy it. Apart from the accepted wooden acting due to the low budget, the whole story was just bits of different story line shoved together in one film. Despite the main character, Ryan, being out to two friends and no family, he seemed quite happy and content rather than paranoid in the closet. He had quite an overt gay identity, there is one scene where he is visiting his dad's grave with his mum and she is wearing 'camp' clothes, i.e. skin tight top, and is mincing towards the grave. Of course, there is nothing wrong with gay men being feminine, but if you are trying to hide your sexual identity, this is not the way to go. I just felt there was no repression considering his environment. Eyes Wide Open and Latter Days does this theme a lot better. I am afraid this is one to avoid.

Nike

This week brought the news that Nike have committed to sponsor the very first US professional sports person to come out. On the surface, this looks like a wonderful idea and help tackle homophobia in sport, and it will do to an extent.

Gareth Thomas has done a wonderful job in being an openly gay role model in Rugby League and Rugby Union. He has helped show that gay men are not all camp and feminine (not that there is anything wrong with gay men that are). When he came out, it was reported that he lost sponsorship from Reebok as a result and maybe sponsorship is a factor preventing sports people from coming out so Nike's decision may well help remove this barrier.

I think a lot of people, including LGBT people, may ask why it is important for famous sports people to come out. Sexuality is a private issue and it is no ones business. I tend to disagree. First, people link sexual orientation with the act of sex and see it as a private thing. I have to say sexuality is more than just sex, there is a whole range of values and experiences LGBT people have which straight people do not. Not having openly gay and lesbian sports people across a range of sports reaffirms the stereotype that sport is heterosexual.

Stereotypes can be one of the biggest factors for LGBT people. If we look at the athletes that came out before the Olympics, female participants were in more 'masculine' sports, such as football. Gay  participants were in more 'feminine' sports, such as dressage (a.k.a. horse mincing) and diving. Gareth Thomas is the exception and he is the only one. I hope that the Nike sponsorship commitment will start the ball rolling for others to follow.

There is a wider issue of homophobia in sport which is isolating young gay and lesbians from participating in sport. The recent Active People survey in England showed that gay men are one of the most sporting active groups but most of the activity occurs within a gym setting - a big part of gay culture. However, the barriers of LGBT sport are not being recognised by the sporting establishment here in the UK. Despite starting to ask about sexual orientation, UK Sport and Sport England make no reference to it on their website and Pride Sports does not receive the same funding that other Sport Equality groups receive. The same attitude can be applied with most governing bodies of sport.

Various surveys have found that LGBT people are put off by organised sport because of their experiences at school. Homophobic bullying, especially amongst gay and bisexual men, is rife within the school system. Being gay in PE can be much more visible in school than being gay in geography.

That is why I am cautious about the Nike deal. Yes, it may lead to one or two sports stars finally come out which can become positive role models for young LGBT people. However, it does not fully tackle the real issue preventing the LGBT community from fully taking part. At present, we have a large volume of gay and bi men using running machines, rowing machines and static cycling machines within the gym, and not representing their country - because they grew up in a sporting environment which told them they are not the right kind of men for sport.

My other concern of the Nike deal is that it will just result in another 'celebrity' where it is about him or her rather than building bridges and allowing other LGBT people to take part from an early age. Having a role model would be great but a lot more done to tackle homophobia in sport and make sport more inclusive.

Margaret Thatcher

Following the recent death Margaret Thatcher, there has been a polarising reaction to her time in office. This has resulted in 'Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead' reaching number 2 in the UK music charts. Personally, I find the reaction to someone dying a little distasteful.

However, I do find the left and the right's commentary on her legacy interesting. There is two clear cut sides, first she was evil, ruining industry and making life hell for poor people. The other side of the argument is she stood up for this country and regenerated a failing economy.

My opinion is that a lot of the love or hate of Thatcher is based upon rhetoric. For example, she would make a big deal about standing up for the UK in Europe, yet she signed the Single European Act - perhaps the biggest transfer of sovereignty in the history of the European Union. The left cry that she destroyed industry and the economy. However, industry was pretty messed up before she came to power and the disputes with miners clearly was not one way if Arthur Scargill's protest against the Union's decision to stop paying for his second home in London is anything to go by.

Party politics has been one of the most divisive instruments in British politics. If you look at the most successful period of egalitarianism and economic growth was the Post-War consensus. Party politics has destructed this equilibrium. In some ways, I quite admire the coalition because they are returning to working together, especially in times of difficulty. I just think they need to do a better job at taking the country with them.

There is one Thatcher policy that had a huge impact, especially LGBT communities: Section 28.

For anyone who does not know, Section 28 of the Local Government Act said:

Prohibition on promoting homosexuality by teaching or by publishing material.
(1)
A local authority shall not—
(a) intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality;
(b)promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship.


This was a nasty piece of legislation which was created as a reaction to schools and local authorities trying to tackle homophobia and supporting children with same sex parents. It lead to an environment of teachers being unable to fully tackle homophobic bullying in fear of getting the sack.

As a result, it was throwing LGBT school children to a pack of wolves everyday to be eaten alive. It is no wonder that there is massive issue around mental health, suicide and self esteem amongst LGBT, in particular gay and bi men. This includes myself.

I refuse to dance at her funeral. But my heart was empty of emotion when I heard about her death. In some ways, her death has been a form of closure for me and I will not let the bullying I experienced impact on me today.

My week in films - 08 April 2013

One of my main hobbies is watching films. I am generally not the type who will regularly turn up to the cinema, especially the amount they charge these days. I also find the audience's reactions to be irritating and therefore prefer to watch random titles in the comfort of my own bedroom using a rental package.

I am not a big fan of block busters, but my tastes are a strange mixture of foreign language films and 'LGBT' films. I think this is a way I like to explore my sexuality and defining myself. Anyway, each week I hope to do a short recap and review of all the films I have watched. I will do separate reviews for any gay film which I have particular enjoyed.

08 April 2013

Film of the week

Amour - *****

(2012, France, Michael Haneke)

Wow, what a film. The French winner of Best Oscar in a Foreign Language Film is a real must for any world cinema film fans out there. The film focuses on an elderly straight couple's relationship following a mild stroke. This film is drenched in realism and not always the easiest to watch as the stroke deteriorates the women's health. However, the way Jean-Louis Trintignant portrays the loving husband who will do anything for his dying wife was utterly moving and reminds even the most relationship phobic of us the benefits of companionship and love in our lives. The only minor criticism is that they could have used Isabelle Hubbert a lot more - she is one of my favourite actresses!

A gritty film but a worthy Oscar winner.

Other Films

A Royal Affair - *****

(2012, Denmark, Nicolaj Arcel)

Had this been any other week, this could easily be my film of the week. Also short listed for Best Foreign Film at the Oscars, A Royal Affair tells the story of a young Queen who marries a vile and abusive King in the eighteenth century. It is then that she develops a relationship with the King's physician who is secretly an 'Enlightenment'. Together they sew the seeds of liberalism that are the roots of modern Denmark. Surprisingly beautiful and engaging and not stuffy as I was expecting. Well worth viewing.

The Killing of Sister George - ****

(1968, UK, Robert Aldrich)

This tells the story of an ageing actress who looses her job and her younger partner. Having read reviews of this ground breaking lesbian film, critics have been united in saying that in modern society, the lesbian shock factor is none existent and therefore this film becomes uninteresting. Yes, the lesbian sex scene is not really shocking by today's standards but the portrayal of an abusive same sex relationship is something that is still not portrayed in film or TV. We are still stuck with stereotypes and victim characters who are being bullied/coming out/are HIV positive. Therefore, I think this film is still pushing the boundaries.

Ben-Hur - ***

(1959, USA, William Wyler)

A regular entrant in any top films of all time lists and it is easy to understand why. The daddy of the block buster and the definition of a historical epic. The film, at almost four hours, does feel like a religious studies lesson and steps into religious propaganda at times. However, it remained engaging for most of the time and an important film to further my cinema education. 

Did I enjoy it? A little, yes. Will I watch it again? Probably not.

Fighting - *

(2009, USA, Ditto Montiel)

This film tells the story of Shawn MacArthur (Channing Tatum) who becomes drawn into the underground world of street fighting. I have to admit that the only reason I watched this was because I want to do dirty things with Channing Tatum. Other than the eye candy, this film was dull and formulaic and I would have enjoyed it more if I had watched it listening to the radio and with mute on.

Welcome to my blog!

Here we go, I am finally going to do this!

Before we start, a little bit about me. I am a 30 year old English gay guy who is at a crossroads in my life and I want to record this moment onwards to make sure I stay on the right path.

I have had a difficult life. Growing up I always felt isolated. I was reading my nursery school report the other day and even at the age of five I would always play on my own and struggled to make friends. This continued throughout throughout my school years. With the added humiliation of daily bullying, my self identity was at an all time low. I could not wait to leave my home small town and head off to university and start being me. The song 'Small Town Boy' literately described my school days.

Did I become happy and comfortable with myself once I had got to university? Not really. Throughout my 20s, I lived a predominately hedonistic lifestyle where I thought I was living for the moment in the crazy single gay life in London. Except I knew I had drinking issues, I was lonely and putting myself in risky situations. I was following all stereotypes: excessive clubbing, casual sex and body fascism.

Toward the end of my 20s, I decided to see someone about my issues and was allocated a mentor through a gay men's sexual health charity, who is now one of my best friends. I made progress and had more control over my life but it was not enough.

I was in a rut in London and I did not know how to change it. I took up a dream job opportunity working within LGBT equality issues on a six month contract. However, this involved moving cities and leaving my depleted friendship circle and social life to spend six months of my life in my ideal job and nothing else. I had the best and worse time of my life. The job was amazing but I was still lonely and started to drink more again. I eventually discovered the wonderful group Outdoor Lads - a gay men's outdoor group, predominately hiking, hostelling and other outdoor activities.

I am now unemployed living with my mum job hunting. The last six months has been life changing and worth a period of unemployment. I know I want to move back to London as I am ready for it now. I feel I have more control over my life and do not need to do the 'scene' out of boredom. I just hop I can find a job!

This made me realise I do not need to be a cliché but be who I want to be. The irony for me was after being desperate to leave my 'rural' town to the lights of the big city in order to discover  myself and be happy. It has taken me a decade to realise how to do that and not continue to play the victim in order to justify a patten of self destruction.

So why I am doing it?

Well, to be honest, this is not my first blog. I have tried a couple of times to keep a blog but like most things in my life, I take an all or nothing approach and therefore get bored. I have allocated a fixed slot every week to keep it in proportion in my life in order to maintain the longevity of this blog.

Previously, I have written on one particular subject, e.g. gay scene or film reviews. I do not want to be too prescriptive but will cover anything. It maybe how I am feeling about being gay, what films I have watched that week or current affairs.

In particular, I want to use this as a form of therapy. Putting things into words and into perspective is an easy way to make sure I make progress and keep honest with myself. I am less concerned about the number of viewers and more of it helping me to stay on track. Also, if I can help one young LGBT person feel better about themselves and make the right life choices, this can only be a positive thing.

I am adopting a fake identity as I want to be honest with myself and not censor what I am saying in case someone I know is reading this. It will take me a while to find my 'voice' so please do give me some time and not every blog post will be deep and emotional!

I hope you will follow my journey to making better life choices!