An Ode to Prozac Nation

'One day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human experience. One morning you wake up afraid that you are going to live'. 

Elizabeth Wurtzel; Prozac Nation

I have never been formally diagnosed with depression. But I know I have it. I have lived under that black cloud that Wurtzel refers to, knowing it is not just feeling sad every now and then, but a constant state. Some days I cannot to basic human functions, such as cleaning. The years of alcohol abuse, better known as my twenties, resembles the party/drug/alcohol dependency that Wurtzel describes. These feelings never fully goes away. You just learn to control them better.

Have I seeked help like Wurtzel did? Yes. I once saw a therapist, which work paid for. I went to two sessions and on the second session, I mentioned my obsessive need to go out in the London gay clubbing capital called Vauxhall. The therapist had no idea the significance of this. That was it. There was no point in seeing someone who did not understand the basics. Straight after, I went off to Soho at 11:00am and got trashed.

It was a few months later, after I had been drinking again and a guy pretended to hug me and then stole my phone, I decided to call an ambulance as I had had enough. I sat in A+E for 8 hours sobering up before I was allowed to see someone. I eventually spoke to a therapist who did not take me seriously. Frustrated again - why did no one understand me?

I decided to get tested for HIV as a way to start sorting myself out as I was concerned that when I got so hammered I often could not remember what I had done. I did this at a gay men's sexual health centre where I was offered a mentor. He was fantastic and set me off on the right path - he understood me.

I have had my ups and downs since then but the black cloud no longer constantly follows me around, just appears every now and then. I can go months without OTTing on alcohol. Every day can be a struggle but I am getting there. I just wish I could stop this but I know it takes time. When I have sorted employment I might see someone (who understands gay men) as I can still lose it, but the days of thinking of ending it has gone.

I haven't picked up Prozac Nation for over a decade. I will have another go at it and maybe write a review with its ongoing significance to my life.

I have recently seen the movie adaptation. It was always going to be difficult to capture the brilliance of the book. Was I disappointed? Yes and no.


I think it would be impossible for any film to capture the full story and emotional experience that Prozac Nation was as a book. Some parts of the film only lightly touched on issues where in the ideal world you need to go into some depth in order to start understanding the emotions involved in depression but this would turn into a five hour epic.

However, this did not stop the bulk of the film was superb. My favourite aspect was the performance In particular two of my favourite actors were in it: Christina Ricci and Michelle Williams.

Christina Ricci, who played Elizabeth or 'Lizzy' was fantastic. She managed to combined the emotional despair of her illness as well as the self deprecating humour that sets the background of the book. Christina is an underrated actress and I think her staring role in The Opposite of Sex demonstrates her ability and this film adds another decent performance to show her versatility. It is a shame that the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are so negative. The majority of them seem to see her play a spoilt, self involved, whiny white rich girl. I don't. There seems to be an undercurrent in any female who writes or acts mental health issues to be self obsessed because they are not poor or from an ethnic minority community. It is almost as if there is something noble about being poor that means people not at the bottom of the class structure can never have serious problems. I find this frustrating because depression can happen to anyone. Such criticism has an underlying sexism to it and a complete lack of understanding of mental health issues. Idiots.

The other fine performance was the wonderful Michelle Williams. I am slightly biased as I have been mesmerised by her since her performance of 'Jen' in Dawson's Creek. She is by far my favourite actress and the best actress of her generation. She does another fine performance as Lizzie's friend, Ruby. Delivering lines like: 'Lizzy, I'm not crying because you are mean. I just cannot imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you'. A superb performance again which was cut short by the length of the film.

A good film adaptation of a great book that had such an impact on my teenage years.